Day 25: Thy Will Be Done

"Thy Will Be Done".  I have been hearing this constantly in meditation more than any other phrase that has come forward, and it has been coming through for close to a month now.  The words were most famously spoken by Jesus himself within the body of the Lord's Prayer as he was teaching his disciples to pray . (Luke 11:1-4).  I have so much resistance to the concept.  It's a trust issue, of course, and I know it.  

Today is Day 25 of the project, and I am still choosing to look at the guidance that I am receiving as an answered prayer.  Of course, that means I need to keep in mind what the original and the ongoing prayer has been: "God, please help me reconstruct my life.  Help me to find the way to rebuild it.  Help me to find my place in the world in the wake of the events of the last couple years.  Help me to find my way."  My project, in essence, is really that--an uttered prayer.  Each of the elements of it, (prayer, visualization, breath-work, meditation, study,  etc.), are really just an ongoing prayer to God to find my rightful place again.  Repeatedly hearing the words "Thy will be done" is a sure indicator that I have been forcing my will instead of opening up to the possibilities of what God might have in mind for my life.   

And that brings us to the current state of affairs.  For the last four months, I have been waking up with an extraordinary amount of fear--fear that I have never before experienced in my life.  There's an unconscious panic that I can feel beneath the surface of my consciousness that has been plaguing me--pushing me towards any solution that will quell the angst and stop the pain.  The problem is that I don't know exactly what that solution is.  There's a part of me that wants to try and control everything and that part wants all the answers today.  How will I begin to work again?  Where will I work?  Who will I work with?  How do I get back on my feet again? What does the future hold?  The questions themselves are driven by and riddled with the fear of the unknown.

In 2005, I had a spiritual experience unlike any I had ever had before.  I was at the annual Hay House conference called I Can Do It held in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Hay House publishes inspirational and transformational books).  At the conference, fans of the Hay House published authors were given the opportunity to hear their favorite authors speak on a variety of topics over two days.  Towards the end of the conference, I had the opportunity to hear Wayne Dyer, one of my favorite spiritual speakers and authors, give a keynote talk on the conference's theme.  

At one point in the talk, he had a picture of his then 3-year-old grandson grinning wildly and naturally bubbling over with joy and exuberance.   I remember that he began describing that this was the state that we all come into this world in--filled with excitement, joy and wonder and in awe of this thing called life.  As he continued to speak, it was if a portal of light opened up and entered my heart.  I was suddenly filled with an unconditional love unlike any earthly love I had ever experienced before.  While there are really no words to describe it, the experience of it was of a love that was like a full spectrum rainbow while even the best love here would seem like a pencil sketch by comparison.  The love itself was unwavering and made the experience of life here seem one-dimensional.  There were words that traveled on that love, and they were the following:  "Don't despair.  You win at the end.  Do you feel how much I love you and how I am with you?  Do you know who you are?  You are eternal.  This is all an illusion.  Enjoy this place.  It is not home.  You win at the end."  

The experience of it lasted over 3 hours, and I was left with the feeling that I had, perhaps, just experienced the likes of heaven and the absolute love of God himself.  In any case, that unbelievable, unconditional love was the take-away, and I am different on the other side of that experience.  It's simply incredible to understand that we are loved that much by God and/or by heaven and that there is nothing that you can do to deserve that kind of love--it just is. 

I don't always remember that experience when I'm going through difficult times.  I have to remind myself that from my experiential point of view, the love of God for humanity is unconditional and unwavering and, by that definition, completely reliable.  I felt seen, entirely known and completely loved on the occasions that I have been given to experience that love and from that standpoint, I KNOW that God is trustworthy.

So in the moments going forward when I hear the words "Thy Will Be Done," the only logical response will be to whisper, "Amen".


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