Day 52: You Have to Cry All of Your Tears
When I was in school at the University of Santa Monica pursuing my Master's Degree in Spiritual Psychology, my professors would always say that whenever you are grieving "you have to cry all of your tears". That has certainly been my experience. I have gone through the grief cycle more than one time in my life, and it isn't always about the death of a loved one. Most of the grief work that I did in my 30's was based on my parent's divorce although I really didn't understand that until I got to the bottom of it.
Because I've done the work before, it's fairly easy to recognize it when the opportunity for emotional release appears again. Grief doesn't always make sense, and it isn't always felt in proportion to current circumstances. Sometimes the necessity for tears is bigger than the situation seems to warrant. In all cases, I have learned through conscious grieving to embrace the opportunity when it does appear, to grab it with both hands and to cry every tear that I can muster. In that process, I have found that all aspects of health and well-being are positively impacted by this type of grief work and that feeling all of your feelings leads ultimately to joy and peace within.
And the last couple months have certainly provided a fertile opportunity for such grief work once again. I have taken advantage of it and have set the intention to cry all of my tears. Life has a way of presenting opportunities so that you can do just that, and I have had my share over the last 8 weeks. Yet, so much has transpired in the last seven years which, as I have mentioned, have definitely been among the most challenging years of my life. Up until the beginning of this project, I had largely been in survival mode just trying to get through it all. Once the project was underway, I began to set aside the time to focus on healing and creating the next chapter of my life.
In 2017, I lost everything that one can lose materially--all of my furniture, my clothes, my car, my pictures, my books, my jewelry, and all of my keepsakes. Gone. They were auctioned while I was in jail. In 2021, I lost my father to Alzheimer's and Covid--a far bigger loss than all of my possessions. Add to all of that the 5150's, the arrests, a couple of incidences of police brutality, the assaults and months on the street, and you have a recipe for both grief and severe PTSD.
Considering what I have been through, the current state of my health is basically miraculous. Perhaps I owe the incredible results to this project; I most definitely owe them to God. The debilitating anxiety that I was experiencing at the beginning of this project is much less than it was. While it's detectable still in the early morning, the majority of it has been relieved. My anxiety was so bad at the beginning that I was experiencing esophageal spasms and the beginnings of acid reflux. I was having major panic attacks and was having trouble breathing at times as well. Almost all of that has been alleviated at this point.
Although I haven't mentioned it specifically yet in any of my blog entries, a lot of my energy on a daily basis has been geared toward all aspects of my health. Daily Juicing of green vegetables, breathwork, visualization, meditation, gratitude and all kinds of emotional release writing have been incorporated in an effort to pull the anxiety out from the root and to nurse my body back to health. I have recently, in the last 14 days, eliminated caffeine, sugar and dairy from my diet as well to reduce any inflammation and to move towards more alkalinity. They say that the stomach is the second brain and from my own experience, I know that one's daily emotional health is largely affected by diet.
Perhaps the most instrumental measure, though, that I have incorporated in the way of reclaiming my health has been the inclusion of prayer in an effort to develop a relationship with God. As I mentioned in some of my first blog entries, God-reliance is one of the chief aims of this project, and I have to credit so much of my progress to having a relationship with God again. The state of my health before I began to journal and pray again and my life since that point are like night and day. It may be as simple as I no longer feel as though I am walking all alone in this world. My teachers at USM used to say that the only code that belonged in the DSM manual (the manual they use to diagnose mental disorders) was a code for perceived separation from God. My ever-improving life and circumstances since the inception of this project certainly speak to that theory.
And the miracles continue. Yesterday morning I was doing my early morning writing. I have adopted into my practice the use of Morning Pages which are featured in the Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. Her instructions are to write whatever comes to your mind for 3 full pages with the intention of clearing out any negativity or anything blocking you from your creativity. It's a largely spiritual process meant to become a listening and a way to connect with a Power Greater than Yourself. Since I have begun writing them, they have become another key way that my guidance has unfolded, and I continue to receive instructions for next steps on a regular basis. I have now filled an entire notebook with the Divine instructions that I have received as a result of this project.
While I was writing yesterday morning, I heard the phrase "The Dog Days of Summer". Once again, I thought it was strange to hear that, and I didn't understand the reference point. I made a note of it, anyway, as I have learned to do and continued my writing practice. About 10 minutes later, one of my roommates walked out and sat on the couch. She was just sitting there in the silence while I was writing when out of nowhere she blurts out, "The Dog Days of Summer". When I called her over to show her that I had just written that phrase 10 minutes before, we were both speechless.
And another one of my favorite moments in spiritual guidance over the last couple weeks was yet another song. I was writing my morning pages and the song "Signs" began playing in consciousness. While I have definitely heard the song before, I am not familiar with the lyrics. Once again, it brought me to tears. If you listen until the end of the song, you will understand why--one more incredible gift from the Divine.
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"Signs", Five Man Electrical Band
Good-byes and Butterflies, 1970
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